I want your horror, I want your design, 'Cause you're a criminal, As long as your mine, I want your love

It appears I'm really into crazy mood swings at the moment, and not cause I'm hormonal. My blog yesterday show how upset i was and today i burst into tears twice at school yet now i feel fine? I'm crazy. But i still agree with my statement of I'm unsure of everything ever atm, but I'm still eating my own weight in chocolate and noisily being upset too often. Also i have finally turned my phone on after it being off since Saturday night, i had over a hundred messages ): And it hadn't received others i knew i had been sent. I also realised i know way too much about Hello Kitty but yet i still research it constantly? Whatever boys get to play COD and do geeky stuff so i get to have this. I found out there a Hello Kitty Theme park in Japan which I'm migrating to and an official Hello Kitty wine, sadly they do not give licence to any other stronger alcohol in case it's like a bad impression or such. But yeah i know like all her friends and their life stories, it's creepy. However i would strongly recommend looking up her Sanrio pal Landry, he's awesome and he's a fucking raccoon, could it be more win? I don't think so.

i'm finished making sense, done pleading ignorance, that whole defense

So yeah looks like i'm not feeling as better as i thought. I can remotely talk about stuff now though so i guess it's kind of better in that sense?
Although i honestly don't know like anything anymore, this past week/weekend has made me doubt actually everyting about myself ever and i am struggling to care about more than very few things at the moment. I just have no idea what's happening with anything tbh. Apart from i know that right now comfort eating, wrecking my liver and foo fighters are definitely the way to go.

The page is out of print, we are not permanent, we're temporary, temporary Same old story

I really like Foo Fighters at the moment, they're so angry and such.
Also i have stopped being all emo about my life for the most part so its all good.
This weekend has been crazy, it was going swimmingly well until Saturday night.
Friday was amazing. We went to Costa's to see Kts band, Seams, they were really good. My personal favourites were the covers of 'I love you baby' and 'a decade under the influence-taking back Sunday', as well as 'Foster starts fire'. They were amazing and had a very good crowd. After we got chips and cheese and they were so good that they prove there definitely is a god. Holly was super excited to see Grant and walked to the bus stop with him and in return received many a pan iced call from me cause Sam and stuff were dying to get to castle green to smoke weed. We proceeded to smoke alot when we arrived there, and it was pretty awesome. Then me Darren and Jamie T. walked along to Lewis' and met all the rest of those guys in there. Once there i realised there was about 5 times as many people there as i expected and that it was an actual Brodieparty. I of course proceeded to get very drunk and smoke a bit more, the whole place was smokey, it was kinda funny. So i got really drunk and wasn't doing a god job of standing up right, i also told everyone individually that i loved them. I also literally said to Lewis 'Thank you for having me' 93128478633 times. I really don't remember much else apart from when we arrived at Archie's and we were talking to his mum and some other women and i was trying really much to act normal, apparently i did a pretty damn good job. Then i KO'd on Archie's bed cause I'm greedy. The next day i felt like utter shit and had partially lost my voice. I also had no idea where the house i was in was located so picked a random direction and hoped i was going the right way, which i was, win. Yeah so i had to get the bus home looking like shit with last nights clothes and make-up on and then it was promptly to tesco's to get me some aspirin and various sugar-filled drinks. I felt like shit, later me and Holly went into town and got me a playsuit and baked potato before rushing home to grab my stuff and bail to Holly's to get ready for Shaun's House Party. I was in a shit mood cause my heels wouldn't stay on my feet and i had been informed that certain people who i find it difficult to be around would be at the party. So it took us ages to get to Shaun's, then i again proceeded to get very drunk, like so much it was the drunkest I've ever been very very bad decision, but it was accidental. Holly also went way too far, we suck. I felt awful this morning and have no idea whatsoever what happened but so far I've been told that i pulled Holly without prompting, didn't stand up much and spent 99% of the time crying, so total fail. Today i have never felt worse, i have no idea what i actually did last night so its horrible and I'm really paranoid. Also i feel sick, like i threw up alot, got sick in my hair. Also my thigh and arm are actually ripped to pieces for some reason. My left arm is literally purple and my right has a bruise the size of a golf ball on it. Needless to say my mum thinks I'm a creep. I have no idea how i got injured so i had to fabricate a story about falling in my heels to shut my parents up. Now my mum is being really moany about the laptop.

well if it hurts this much then it must be love

i said i wouldnt blog in a while. i lied. apparently thats socially acceptable now even when it destroys people. i'm just gonna use this blog to publish my emo emotions for just now until im better.
i wish i had a finite amount of the emotion sad so it would run out already and i wish that i wouldn't have to answer questions or acknowledge people in anyway so stay in my own bubble. Everything anyone says just makes it worse.

finest

i don't think i'll be blogging for a while as everything is ruined

'Hey' is for horses you douchebag, and it's a stupid greeting anyway

Today i was forced to spend the entire day tidying my room, of course i spent it instead on MLIA, FML, IMMD and facebook and pretended to tidy whenever my mum came through, she soon caught on to this. What she did not catch on to was the fact that instead of tidying the mess i put most of my stuff under my bed and in drawers, i think i win. She then tried to tell me that it would be so nice if my room was like this all the time. I said it was a ridiculous statement as lots of things 'would' be nice such as having a slide instead of stairs. My mum ignored me and continued her rant, my reply after 5 minutes of her talking at me was maybe i would keep my room tidy if i had a slide for stairs.
Looking at what I've written it appears IMMD and MLIA have drastically rubbed off on me today.
In case you couldn't tell from this blog title and content I'm in a shit mood. My weekend wasn't very good at all, i did however complete another first i can add to the list. Buying weed myself. Usually i just have other peoples, probably cause I'm a selfish bitch.
Friday was spent with Holly mildly drunk, i wasn't (shock horror). However i didn't mind because i had chips and cheese. This is my new favourite thing, i love it more than almost everything atm. So anyway we spent the majority of the night in the net of the rope climbing frame at Castle Green. It was freezing so i was basically on top of Holly for warmth and i got mildly bored so resorted to having one of Holly's headphone while we both sang wildly out of tune funny songs. T'was good.
On Saturday i bought Iona's birthday present and myself some new shoes seeing as i had literally had like one pair that broke my feet when i wore them. I still have to order new clothes and shoes off the Internet too. (x Saturday night just went in the ferry again. Michael found cigarettes on the ground which we then smoked this then led us to the argument of whether it was scummy or not. I argued it wasn't as they were in a packet, it would have been a waste if we hadn't and because the packet had cigarettes in it it wasn't scummy but logical of course. In my head i still know it's scummy, but as i am with most things I'm past caring.
Also i finally got around to watching Lady Gaga's new Telephone video and although it apparently cost like £1million to make i still prefer the Bad Romance video, although this is probably because of the outfits.
In other news: ew school.

i'm an addict for dramatics, i confuse the two for love

I apologise for not blogging in so long, sincerely. I've been busy with idiot school: art folio deadline and maths 2nd prelims. What's the point in a second prelim you ask? Oh there's no point, y'know just for fucking lolz, yeah. It makes me sick. Anyway onto my last weekend. So i probably cried more last week than i have in a lonnnnng time. Friday paid a large part in this: It started fine. In the afternoon we went to see Romeo and Juliet on a school trip to St Andrews, although lunch was very yummy the play was shit. I fell asleep in the first half and Holly fell asleep in the second. However it was hilarious when Sam was asking me and Holly if we thought he was hot and making it really awkward (he forced us to say yes btw). We were fed up of the awkwardness so resorted to turning to girls from a different school in front of us and asking then what they thought of him, ha ha. They said he wasn't hot but they'd be generous and say he was cute. We then went on to discuss hot guys who were also watching the play, it was pure win and embarrassed Sam which is of course always a plus. That night me and Holly went to Hustlers (the place where Holly previously had her drink spiked, is really scummy and doesn't give a fuck about under-agers). Hour Assault were playing, that Michael, Darren, Sam and now Fraser. They were good but needless to say i got really quite drunk and spent alot of the night crying too much. Then some weird 20ish year old girls started talking to us in the bathroom cause we were all intoxicated. We later found out that they were on MD MA when they told us, then noticed their pupils were actually HUGE. It was kind of funny. They then made us dance to them to screamo bands, it was peculiar. Then i got cheesy chips and called Mikey Lolville while drunk. We then got the bus to the ferry while i continued to cry profusely which was shit but as i sobered up towards the very end of the night it was okay, just freezing. Walking home with Gary was pretty hilarious and after i realised that walking alone at like 12 along the badly lit front is not something i can handle. I was still thinking of that stupid scary movie i watched a couple of weeks ago at nicoles and it creeped me out so much i had to walk in the middle of the road cause whatever side of the pavement i moved to i was paranoid something would jump out at me, i could only face putting one headphone in and resorted to texting everyone to distract myself. On Saturday i went in town with Holly, it started off wierdly funny (Holly'll know what i'm talking about lolzz) but we then bought me heels for my birthday which i adore <3 Later i met jamie and we went to the secret garden and then to robbies for a bit. Later we walked along to Travs after finding out he was having an inpromto party, i was a bit gutted at first cause i had no alcohol. But then i saw Erin there who was totallt, totally fucked and she gave me a half bottle of a bunch of stuff mixed up, it was pretty strong. I got drunk quickly and spent the night dancing, kissing jamie in the corner and half-heartedly holding Holly up. She was way more drunk. Yeah, so it was a win. I don't know what time we left but me and jamie stayed at lewis' house. I had to get up and leavelewis' at 10 the next day which was horrendous. Me, Holly and my parents were going to Glasgow that day shopping and then to see YM@6. I was very disappointed as there was absolutely nothing i wanted to buy so i actually could've had a lie-in. Fail. Anyway i was pretty much in a weird shitty mood all day as my mind was on other things, but i had a yummy tea at pizza hut and then me and Holly were off to you me at 6, get this- sober -i know what the actual fuck? We had no alcohol is only why tbh, :L. Yeah so we had to get 3 taxi's to get to the right place cause we kept going to a slightly diffrent place than the one we meant. D: When we got there it was freezing and the queue was actually HUGE, seriously HUGE. So we queue jumped in with Rob and stuff. (x We were so fucking cold before we got in but Forever the Sickest Kids were already on when we were allowed inside so Holly grabbed my hand and we ran and pushed to the front. I don't really like them as a band cause they're pretty gay but it was funny. We The Kings were on next, they were good. I like them quite a bit, i think at some point during them playing i lost my shoes leaving me in only tights which was very sore. Then ym@s came on. They were amazing obviously, and i was beyond boiling. It was amazing.
Not so fun was the school week, in which i got so stressed i reapetedly cried in front of my parents and got disgusting skin. Well now it's going to be the weekend, hopefully it'll be good (:

Dont need candles or cake, just need your body to make Birthday Sex

Well today i officially turned 16, disappointingly there was an insufficient lack of birthday sex. Reference to Jeremiah-Birthday Sex Song here and in title. (:
It was a very topsy turvy day mainly cause i'm a literally wierdo. yay (sarcasm).
Anyway so i spent most of last night in my room crying. Holly called me at 12 to wish me happy birthday while i sat on the phone silently crying to her. It was a fail. That morning of my 16th i cried, school improved the day to start. Nuala, Erin, Nad,Chloe, Nicole and Holly were all lovely to me as was everyone i was actually pretty overwhelmed cause everyone was so nice and said Happy Birthday etc. Except one boy who can be pushed out a window and not come to my party. Anyway everyone was lovely and Iona got me a beyond great unexpected present, i was very pleased. It went downhill towards the end of the day- mainly maths where i started to feel shit again. So after that i started crying alot except i was meeting Mikey Colville (or Mikey Lolville as i prefer to call him) after school and i was in a bit of a state, i felt pretty bad cause i know how difficult boys find it to deal with crying girls. Mikey did very well though, his incredibly happy demeanor was refreshing. So we sat in the secret garden which is probably one of my favourite places in the world and talked. Then he had to leave and i was sad again, then got home and my mum knew i was upset so the crying started agin and now my parents probably think i have pyscological problems, as per. I cheered up a bit later and had tea and opened my cards and stuff. It was okay, i had stopped crying so it was better i guess. In conclusion it was the most i've ever cried in a while and certainly on a birthday So it was like a win and lose of a day at the same time,wtf.

ew

its not natural to cry this much the night before you turn 16. im a retard.

gay elephant

I'm in an extremely bad mood. I'm not too sure why but the fact that i have to learn a whole french writing test for tomorrow, have a maths prelim on Monday that I'm gonna fail and am gonna have a shit birthday are all contributing factors. lose.

I thought the story of the first time I got drunk might make for interesting reading.

It was the first week of last summer, i had stolen a bottle of red wine from my kitchen and was in the ferry with Grant, Connor, Mark, Holly, Iona and later Aaron.
It was probably like half 7ish or so when we got to the beach. We were just chatting and things and had just opened the wine which only me and Holly were drinking, at this point we had only had afew sips. Then we noticed Police going about very near in their car alot, Holly jumped to the logical thought of burying the unsealed wine in the sand. The police got out the car and came over to us about 5 minutes later, at this point i was thinking 'smart move stanspus'. The police asked afew pointless questions such as: "What're you up to?" etc and then left. We then proceeded to dig for the wine and began to drink it again, realising burying it poorly with a loose top in the sand was a bad idea. Needless to say we tasted sand for the rest of the night. So seeing as it was my first time drinking a reasonable amount i got drunk very fast. I drank too much. Before i was horrendously drunk some hot American guy who was on holiday swap here was talking to us, i don't remember much apart from he was hot and he had tattoos? After he left it appears the wine kicked in as me, Holly and Iona decided we should go and look for him, obviously we couldn't find him and by then i felt sick and wasn't enjoying the unfamiliar dizzy, spinning sensation that was constantly surrounding me. For the remainder of the night it gets blurry, i remember chasing Grant, Connor and Mark with Holly possibly because they had stolen our shoes. I also remember they buried them really deep and they took ages to find, the drunkenness didn't help. Aaron arrived at some point during this palava, then i felt really sick and kept saying so. Then i said that i was gonna throw up .. . . sadly i wasn't lying. I can't imagine it was pretty, at least i only threw up pure wine not food. I then proceeded to profusely apologise to everyone around me a million times. literally. Grant and Connor then had to walk/carry me home, i was hopeless. They were very late home because of me. I then stumbled into the house still very obviously drunk. My mother asked me if i was drunk to which i replied something along the lines of: "What no? I'm not drunk, you're drunk, Are you drunk?" Making it blindingly obvious that i was disgustingly drunk. I then fell upstairs into my room and knocked EVERYTHING over. My mum followed me upstairs to accuse me more. Following that i KO'd in my bed fully dressed, the next day i was meant to be helping at a church ( i know, ironic) holiday club that i couldn't get out of. It started just before 9. I knew what Hell felt like that morning. With a killer headache but overly perky attitude to hide my being hungover i attended the Holiday Club thing. I literally was scared i was going to throw up all over the hall in front of everyone that's how shit and sick-prone i felt. Thankfully i didn't. Then my downwards spiral into alcoholism began and sadly and pathetically, I've never looked back since.

head on my shoulder, my shoulder, my shoulder

So my friend (if you could call her that since I'm like attached to her) Holly has a blog also 'You need a thneed'. She posted an entry detailing the firsts of 2009 and 2010 for her. She also detailed some previous years. Below is my response to this. Before reading you must keep in mind that until summer last year i was a non-swearing, non-drinking, non-smoking, chastity-believing devout christian baptist.
This probably seems impossible to believe if you've ever met me or read this blog but yeah things change. It was when i started being friends with Holly, and I'm a lot happier and content now to when i was all christiany so i guess its okay. And before reading i warn you, don't judge me (x

Firsts of 2009

1)Getting really drunk

2) Stealing alcohol from my house, a lot of alcohol- we had no other way to get alcohol so resorted to constantly stealing from my house, we were never caught seriously. The only problem is that now there's nothing left to steal. Dx

3) Smoking weed- i was drunk i smoked weed, i was annoyed at myself when i sobered up. Then i realised i couldn't care so do it whenever i want.

4) Smoking a cigarette- i was drunk, i smoked. Now i like it way too much and would do it sober given the opportunity.

5) Wanting to die from stupid drunken mistakes- anyone who has met me probably know what i mean here, but lots of drunken things I've done have made me want to die too.

6) Lied to a ridiculous extent to lots of people- me pretending to be a good daughter and christian was hard to keep up, now it's pretty much known by most that my way is just pure scum now.

7) Kissed people who have girlfriends, i know this is hideously wrong but i was very very drunk when it happened.

8) Kissed a girl- drunk, that is all.

9) Took poppers- i did this before i had even gotten drunk, wtf? But yeah i still maintain it's not really a drug. However at the time me and holly didn't realise we were idiots who would do way too much and have our lips turn blue from lack of blood flow and almost pass out and faint many times. It also caused us skin diseases, but only because we did it too much/wrong.

10)Kissed a boy- i know its ridiculously old for first time to kiss a boy, but remember i was a christian who was only supposed to kiss people that i was dating and were also Christians. Also it was the single worst kiss I've ever experienced.

11) Kissed a lot of people in 1 night.- I can't remember numbers here, but I think 4 or more is the most in 1 night, needless to say i was drunk and regretted about 50% of the people i kissed the next day.

12) Thrown up for a reason other than being ill- Drunk obviously, i did this with wine the first time i got drunk, it was repulsive. Since then it's become a regular occurrence and tbh no one thinks anything of it anymore.

13) Punched someone- In actual fact they deserved it but i was drunk so apologised afew weeks afterwards.

14) Went on holiday with one of my best friends- Holly, Florida, Best time ever.(x

15) Embraced my emo fag taste in music- At first Holly was unaccepting, however she got used to it and i enjoyed it.

Firsts of 2010

1) Crashing a party on New Year, surrounded by people we didn't know me and holly lied horrifically about our age and careers and i got in with some dream boy American called Aaron.

2) Kissing someone significantly older than me (Aaron was 20) Shut up, its not weird.

4) Stayed over at a boys house.

3) Being properly in love with someone, i don't care how cliche or stupid this sounds because it's true. (:

4) Started blogging about my retardedness.

5) Used punctuation in a blog- I know, how weird? (:

6) As holly delicately put it, discovered a boy from the waist down.

7) Not pulled a bunch of people i don't like at a party- Thanks goes to Jamie for this. (:

8) Had family members try to talk to me about sex- Ew


That's all i can think of right now. I like how you can see my gradual spiral into scuminess in list form, beautiful.

run and hide, away from me

sozzz for not blogging regularly D:
ive been busy and such with homework and having a social life and all (x

so this weekend and curent events and such
On friday night i went to see the much anticipated Alice In Wonderland newly directed by Tim Burton in 3D, i dont think ive ever seen a film in 3D at the cinema before but it was amazing (the film and the 3D-ness) I would highly recommend seeing it, its so good (x
On saturday i went in town with lucy cowpland and we had carrot cake, it was yummy. I tried on awesome high heels and felt godly and bought a fuel which i physically couldnt want anymore right now Dx On saturday night i went to nicoles with nuala nad and erin, it was pretty fun except me and nuala had to walk through Gillies Park in the pitch dark to get to nicoles and just about literally wet ourselves in fear. It didnt help that at nicoles we watched Sorority Row which was soo scary and gory so i gad my eyes shut about 90% of the time. Then me and nuala had to walk home but when we got outside the graveyard we were such pussies we had to run :L
The next day i met a hungover jamie in town and we wnt to the McManuc Galleries, it was good. And there was a bear there which was the highlight, although it was either dead and stuffed or fake so that was a bit of a sucky thought. Then we went to Jamies and watched the mummy 1 and 2, by 2 it was getting cheesy and cliche also it was like 3 hours long but jamies amusing so its all good. (x
Today was non uniform which i left down to the last minute(rebellious i know), could i live life anymore on the edge? Hell No
We had a needle stuch in our arms too, incase of cervical cancer. However i looked this up and apparentlty only people who are highly sexually active with an infected person are likely to contract it so . . . i don't think im included in this?
My lunchtime sunday has to be mentioned purely cause it's so freaking Godly, i like die just thinking of it, i know i have no life
Oh yeah and tomorrow we're off so i can lie in with my electric blanket, i may well eat a sundae whilst doing so which would make it the single best day ever.
In other news, i turn 16 on thursday. That means i'm like a huge adult and such xD and i still have to ask my parents about having a small gathering for which they will hopefully go away overnight. I am skeptical of their reaction. However it won't be a small gathering, it will be a party, there will be lots of alcohol and drugs too probably which of course = win (x
Also my parents know i have a boyfriend now, cause apparently i forgot to close down my facebook, so of course they examined the whole thing and then quizzed me who's jamie? At this point i was like wtf, how did you know?? then they acted all smart and i stormed upstairs for effect and of course cause im a teenager :/
that is all